6 years ago around this time, my ex-wife & I were experiencing the tailspin of a marriage headed down the tubes. Correction, I was experiencing the tailspin. I’ll save you the ‘gory’ details, however, we had systematically transformed ourselves into roommates, I had moved into my office. Intimacy was out the door and by November 2013; without cause so was her love and any respect she had garnered for me.
For the next 9 months, my ex-wife would engage in psychological warfare and I allowed her to control my very being, most importantly, the baggage I attained from this unnecessary fiasco of a separation included (and was also pretty much limited to) the loss of my masculinity and the fear of being undesired.
Think of that word for a minute.
Forget hate or diasapproval or disrespect…
We all yearn to be desired, it doesn’t matter the degree – whether it is a parent’s love, a friend’s acceptance or to the extent I am talking – that physical rawness of sexual need of another that your loins heat to be with…
Now imagine that latter description falling upon deaf ears and silent mouths let alone mute actions from your perceived life long partner… It is debilitating to the psyche.
I lived, debilitated, for the last 6 months of my marriage, ensuing 9 months of legalities during my separation and it had remained in the back of my thoughts for the next 4 years (which brings us to 2019).
So much so that I needed to be inebriated 90% of the time to lay with a woman.
Men! This is a real thing and we mask it to hide our vulnerabilities to maintain being Men, supposed real Men. Brute, alpha, showing little or no emotion or in my case, if you have a strong sense of Femininity, you just kept enough distance from a woman so that your needs were met with safety and if there was a sense of potential loss of desire, you could break free without conscience or consequence. Unfortunately for the woman or women involved, especially if their intentions were pure, their hearts fell victim to our fear and in turn revealed that our intention lacked purity and therefore needed to be addressed.
Vulnerability is not a disease. Showing emotion does not make you less of a man. No one person can define you and when under attack from a bully or fed negative content from another, your reaction is your responsibility. If you engage, prepare for the offensive to intensify, then prepare to look into the mirror and lay blame on the one person who enabled this barrage to happen… That is you my friend.
My last relationship taught me that desire also came without strings. It taught me how to retrieve and display my passion to another and become a little more comfortable in my skin, skin to skin, with my then-partner.
I intensified my practice of self-affirmation and yoga and read or listened to countless (audio) books to help with my inner work and development as a human being trying to cope with the assumed pressures of relationships.
As the universe would have it, that relationship soon served only as a lesson and a preview of leaps & bounds gained and faith restored in knowing that I could allow to be desired in a myriad of ways without second guessing the intentions of my potential (next) person’s desire of me. This was ground breaking because ultimately I had accepted myself.
This all starts with YOU, your number one, and now I am speaking to both genders of my readers… What you feel inside will determine your outside. If you live in fear or misery or under the illusion that you are undesirable or unlovable then that is what will surround you and that is what kind of people will show up in your life. In this case, two negatives will never make a positive.
I had walked around for nearly 6 years in fear. I travelled the globe, mostly in solitude, never really giving my all in the intimacy of my relationships. However, with self-practice, I have moved and grown from this, I have a new leash on intimacy and it has snowballed into every aspect of my loving and desiring side of life. I love me, I radiate love to everyone and everything in my path and if you can see past the actions or words of others and truly focus on your inside and not their projections, you will find the universe will thank you with people & experiences on an even keel.
Trust me, I am living proof of someone who successfully suffered in silence, took ownership of my enablements and recognized that only my thoughts defined me and in turn the universe blessed me with a chance encounter that I have since seized and have begun to cultivate with a sober mind and pure heart.
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel, you just need to want to ride through life with joyful purpose & see how the world serves you.
Written while in Tarifa, Andalucia, Spain